Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

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7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.