it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*