“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
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A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.
My current situation
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though