“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
May never get over this
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.