“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
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[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
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I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.