“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
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It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Make new friends? bro out of what?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
