“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
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my nickname in college
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?