It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.