Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.