Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj