Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.