It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
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(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.