Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

This kid is a star!

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller