Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?