Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

How it started: How it’s going:

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

[canadians at you, canadianly]