Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

#inspiration #foodforthought

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu