Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.