“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever