Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Still cracks me up

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately