It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
How to make infinite energy.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Well, that didn’t work.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.