It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
#catsoftwitter
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.