It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*