it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!