it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
why neck hurt
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Worth a try
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Wait a minute
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it