it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.