Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Message from the dog groomers

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

they finally got him. they got macavity

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”