It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
That’s commitment
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”