It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
What the hell is going on?
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My teenage children choosing violence
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.