Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

broke down and did it

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear