It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no