Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?