It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Please do it!
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.