It’s that simple 👊🏻
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
bears
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
i was baptized in a car wash
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.