It’s that simple 👊🏻
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.