It’s that simple 👊🏻
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Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Thursday
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”