It’s that simple 👊🏻
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Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678