It’s that simple 👊🏻
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!