It’s that simple 👊🏻
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.