It’s that simple 👊🏻
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sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.