It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
This could be us… but you playing
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.