It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.