It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared