It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
No chill.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???