It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”