its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
When you have to use a public restroom.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Match dot com, but for socks.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button