its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.