It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper