It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Need this in my life lol
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.