It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining