It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.