Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.