It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
BaD BoY!!
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him