Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

early stone age tool

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣