It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
perfect
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.