It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun