It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Pandas 🐼🖤
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Buying a well is money well spent.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl