Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Meow

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

*aggressively waits in line*

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.