Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

oh u like history? name everything that happened

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

greetings!