It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
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Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?