Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling