Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?