It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.