Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me