It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
You Might Also Like
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.