[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”