Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

The best shot in the history of golf

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

San Francisco has too many rules

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.