Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?