It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
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If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
oh you like nyc? name every rat
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…