It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
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(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
This is so wrong 😂
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Thank you 🥹
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?