Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”