itโs the babyโs birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says โit feels so nice to be 6 againโ
๐ what ๐ do ๐ you ๐ mean ๐ sir
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, โIโm smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way itโs a no for me.โ
when itโs summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure Iโm gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I donโt see how Iโll ever use this in the real world.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like โweโre imagine dragonsโ . You have no choice but to believe them.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ๐๐คฃ
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and heโs halfway to Canada.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.