it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
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Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Think I pulled my liver
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Holy crap this is wonderful
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate