it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
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Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Liquor Store Parking
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made