it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Not all heroes wear capes.
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[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
If a snake ate a cake
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4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson