Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day