Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”