itโs the babyโs birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says โit feels so nice to be 6 againโ
๐ what ๐ do ๐ you ๐ mean ๐ sir
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do you like vampires?
๐ฉ Nosferatu
โ Yesferatu
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: Iโm a genie not a witch
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I couldnโt own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what youโre saying.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Will you ๐๐ meow meow ๐๐ me?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you wonโt be doing any of that anymore.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My new favorite headline
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Come back with a warrant
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because itโs a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.