It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
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Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
#gardening
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood