Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

Put my back out twerking in the library again

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

23. the denim jacket

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it