It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
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disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
This is always good for a laugh.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*