It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
bears
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Netflix and you sit over there.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.