It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*