It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
🏙👨🏼
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.