It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
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Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
This is I, Robot all over again
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker